Lately
I’ve been dealing with feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s been
discouraging because I thought that I was passed this and that God had broken
the hold they had over me. As I’ve been thinking through these thoughts
and feelings and realized that it is true that God has broken my bondage to
depression and suicidal thoughts. I felt that the suicidal thoughts weren’t
mine or coming from me necessarily but they do come out of the human broken part of me
that wants to take the easy way. These thoughts of suicide, the urging to take
the easy way, is Satan attacking me because I am growing and maturing and
that’s a treat to him.
Also, these thoughts find room to grow in the dark when they’re kept inside of me, when I’m trying to do it on my own. I shared with my mom the thoughts that I was having and how I was struggling the feelings and thoughts lifted. Sharing with my mom gives me another way of fighting Satan’s attacks on me because she can pray for me and she can give me emotional support.
The last couple of days I’ve been trying to work out why I’m going through depression again. I realized that there’s more stuff for me to deal with in my life and that I started on the road to healing when I went to Washington. Part of the healing that started was learning who I am, my identity. I like listening to Air 1 Radio and they air little mini interviews with artists about the inspiration/message behind a specific song of theirs. Jason Gray talks about his song “Remind Me Who I am” and how it’s about our identity. Read Jason’s post HERE. It goes right along with the first 2 chapters from The Cure by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall that I started reading. Both of these reminded me of one of the things that I learned (haha who am I kidding, I’m still learning this) in Washington. When I am centered in God’s love for me and allow myself to believe what he says is my identity then fear won’t rule my life, the fear of rejection, the fear of not measuring up to expectations of me, the fear of whatever it is.
1 John 4:18 from the New Living Translations, “Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us.”
I’m still being perfected.
Also, these thoughts find room to grow in the dark when they’re kept inside of me, when I’m trying to do it on my own. I shared with my mom the thoughts that I was having and how I was struggling the feelings and thoughts lifted. Sharing with my mom gives me another way of fighting Satan’s attacks on me because she can pray for me and she can give me emotional support.
The last couple of days I’ve been trying to work out why I’m going through depression again. I realized that there’s more stuff for me to deal with in my life and that I started on the road to healing when I went to Washington. Part of the healing that started was learning who I am, my identity. I like listening to Air 1 Radio and they air little mini interviews with artists about the inspiration/message behind a specific song of theirs. Jason Gray talks about his song “Remind Me Who I am” and how it’s about our identity. Read Jason’s post HERE. It goes right along with the first 2 chapters from The Cure by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall that I started reading. Both of these reminded me of one of the things that I learned (haha who am I kidding, I’m still learning this) in Washington. When I am centered in God’s love for me and allow myself to believe what he says is my identity then fear won’t rule my life, the fear of rejection, the fear of not measuring up to expectations of me, the fear of whatever it is.
1 John 4:18 from the New Living Translations, “Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us.”
I’m still being perfected.
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